"I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk."
-Robert Bloch

I'd love to change it to " I have the heart of a little girl", but:
1. It is a quote, after all.
2. The changed version sounds very funny
So lets make do with the original quote. I want to discuss a very oft-repeated topic. How we all mature from little kids into adults, and then look back to reminisce, how wonderful it all was. By 'it', I mean, childhood. We all grow up, and we just leave it all behind. Like, putting a that heart in a small jar on your desk.
I've always thought that I had a journey towards maturity. Something which started when I was born, and continued as I grew up. I have always believed that if there was one thing I could do, it was to be able to map it all out through my diaries. In fact, that is the one reason why I started writing them. To go back, and experience the "growing-up", and comment as I went along. I have a very bad habit of doing just that. I call it bad, because it gets me obsessed with it all, and unknowingly gives me the desire to dissect everything out. In several ways, Anatomy ( the one subject I hate) rules my life. It would be ok, if the dissection sticks to my life only, me only. But, it doesn't. I go out judging people, dissecting out their personalities, and I hate doing it. Because most of the time, its not even fair to them.
But, moving away from my rambling ( see, I can just get carried away with anything. I should really learn a lot more HTML, to put in all that I feel when I'm writing), I was reading my diary, as is my regular habit. And, contrary to my supposed belief that I journeyed into something resembling maturity, I haven't actually done so. Upto about 15 years of age, I can feel the child inside me, in all those pages. And, its just not a child, I really mean that I was kiddish in my way of looking at things. When I try to compare, what I wrote then, and what I write now, the gist of the matter doesn't change. I wrote about my day then, I write about it now. I wrote about a lovely cricket match I watched ( I do write about that), and I still write about it now. The difference is in the way it is all written. Its not just to do with the English I used, or the descriptions I gave. My perspective was more or less, small. I don't find depth, or any understanding of any situation I wrote about. I talked about feelings even then, but it is never clear, what exactly I have to say. I just couldn't describe myself. And probably didn't have enough time to think about it.
So what I want to say is that, I believe I have matured. And I have done so, in the past three years. Gosh! Thats a mighty heavy thing to say. But, it is true. I marvel at myself. So, I have grown up to face situations with a grey heart instead of the black-or-white one I had when I was in school; Where there's a lot more to anything than just right or wrong; Where there is a lot more to the mind than just love, hatred, joy and good-old jealousy.
Its just shocking, that I realise this now. I don't find an abrupt change. I guess, as I faced a bigger world, my perspective changed, my mind grew, and I felt more things, in different concentrations ( not exactly the word, but will do). So, in the end, it isn't shocking. I'm just comparing three years of something new to the 15yrs of before ( not 15 actually, about 3, because that is how much I have recorded). I guess, 10years down the line, I'll look at this entry and laugh and further talk about 'new perspectives'.
Why the quote, then, when it doesn't even fit into the equation here? Well, the child inside us always remains. Its never lost. We just remove that heart out, and set it aside in a jar ( ready to put it back, whenever we fancy). Setting it aside, is a sort of landmark, and I guess I found mine:-)